Several months ago we announced a new posting series to Learning Domestic Discipline for the summer – The Many Faces of Domestic Discipline. Our goal with this series was to highlight some of our awesome readers who practice the domestic discipline lifestyle in their own way. We wanted to show that domestic discipline varies so much from couple to couple, and lifestyle to lifestyle. The outpour of stories we received has been incredible, and we’ve had people from all walks of life, all over the world, share their stories with us for this column. Beginning today, we’re sharing those stories with you! We hope that you enjoy this new guest posting series, which runs every Friday throughout the summer.
This first story is written by Chris, who emailed us several months back to share the story of how domestic discipline works for him in his relationship with his fiancee. We found his story fascinating, and we think you will as well.
Four years ago my fiancee (then girlfriend) wrote me a letter that changed the course of our relationship as I knew it. She wanted to start domestic discipline in our relationship and let’s just say that I didn’t. I read her letter several times but I just couldn’t do it. I think even she would tell you now that the way in which the letter was written (ultimatum style) wasn’t the best, but it did do a good job at describing the lifestyle in her own words which quickly became something I was not OK with. Set rules for her? Punish her? This sounds like things I do every day with my job. The last thing I wanted was to carry my work life home with me at the end of my shift. I did that enough as it was.
I work in law enforcement in a relatively large US city. My shifts are demanding, and I often feel like I come home at the end of the shift dying to not make any decisions, to not have to explain (and re-explain) myself to people (especially my fiancee), and to sit down with a cold beer and watch some sports. The absolute last thing I wanted was to come home and immediately sit down with my fiancee and go over what she did that day, then hold her accountable for whatever rules might have been broken. Besides I couldn’t think of any rules for her that I thought would fit anyway. The suggestions she gave me (things like bedtime so that she wouldn’t be dragging at work and school the next day and things like changing her attitude during our arguments) I thought felt childish and, quite honestly, ridiculous. I couldn’t imagine punishing her for bedtime, or setting limits on how she could or couldn’t handle herself when she was angry.
And then there was the biggest hurdle of all that I had to overcome which was the legality aspect. As an officer of the law, the more I looked into this lifestyle the more I wanted to back away from it. To me, it teetered on the brink of spousal abuse and that was before I found out that corporal punishment was used as a common consequence. Once I found that out, I quickly labeled this domestic violence.
So how I went from that viewpoint to where I am now, which is happily engaged and been practicing this lifestyle for four years is a story that is difficult for me to explain. The letter that my fiancee (then girlfriend) wrote me made it clear that this was something that she wanted and she felt she needed. Although she tried to make it sound normal, I wasn’t feeling it. I actually remember ripping up her letter, pushing it into the back of my mind, and attempting to return to our day to day lives.
It was hard for me to completely forget that letter, and watching my fiancees reaction to my reaction was difficult. I made the decision to talk to a co-worker of mine about it, more for relationship advice than anything else. His response to it was surprising to me. He made it clear that he still thought it was pretty crazy (I think the word he used was “bizarre”, actually) but he made me see that if this was a desire that my fiancee had I should probably take it more seriously, even if we never ended up practicing the lifestyle. By me taking it more seriously, and not mocking it or throwing the letter back into her face it at least showed I thought about it before coming to a conclusion.
But, there was still the legal side of it that was hard for me to overcome, so I began researching. I actually stayed up all through the night one evening and really studied the law in our state, talked to a few co-workers who I felt comfortable with, and things of that nature. I researched, researched, and researched some more and what I eventually came to discover is that (in our state and country, at least) this lifestyle could be practiced within the legal perimeters. That put my mind at ease a little, but it still didn’t change the fact that I just couldn’t picture us doing this. I was a leader at work, but I didn’t feel like a leader at home, nor did I really want to be one to be honest.
A few months went by and we got into an argument over an error that she had made with our finances. We had recently combined finances, and recently moved to a new condominium. Things were getting serious between us, and this financial error was one that could have really jeopardized a lot. The argument was probably our biggest to date, and it made me really want to take over the finances in our relationship. I felt that if I didn’t, things would go downhill fast. She was reluctant, but she allowed me to do so, stating that if she wanted to be a domestic discipline partner eventually, she felt this was a good first step.
I didn’t think much into her comment, but looking back on it her giving up the reigns in that area meant a lot, and I know it was hard for her (and for me quite honestly). But after we had that argument and made the necessary changes in our relationship I felt myself stepping up more and more. First with the finances, then with her personal safety. After she found herself rear ending another vehicle because she was distracted behind the wheel, I felt I had to take action and once I found out she was binge watching Netflix all night, thus causing a drop in her grades (she was in college at the time) I knew it was time for Netflix to go. These changes made me really step up and the changes I saw in her were dramatic.
We eased into domestic discipline and it was a good year (if not longer) before I was willing to even label our relationship as a domestic discipline one. Sure, I cut the cord on Netflix but if she would have renewed the subscription would I have punished her for it at the time? Probably not. But, the fact that I was stepping up and taking action in our relationship on things that bothered me, even if it wasn’t necessarily something that I wanted to do was a big step.
It has been a few years since the transformation began and it still hasn’t been easy for me to punish my fiancee. I struggle a lot with spanking, and I still have the legalities in the back of my mind now that we do use punishments, albeit infrequently. I’m confident that I’m able to practice this lifestyle within the legal limits, and in a way that this mutually benefits both my fiancee and I. But, I worry that others in this lifestyle may not be able to do the same and that concerns me still to this day.
One of the best things that I have gotten out of the lifestyle was the ability to lead my relationship, which is something I never saw myself being able to (or wanting to) do. I liked sitting on the sidelines, letting her do things how she wanted to do them. I thought that made her happy, which in turn made me happy. But what I quickly realized was that it wasn’t making her happy, at all. Having me as the leader, and holding her accountable for things that she wants to change about herself, is something that has transformed our relationship 100% and I’m thankful for domestic discipline for that.
As I said earlier, using this in our relationship hasn’t been easy for me at all. But I think my legal research into the topic, my willingness to take my fiancees requests seriously, and my ability to step up as a leader has been some of the best decisions I’ve made in life, and certainly in our relationship. I don’t feel like this relationship is for everyone, but I am very thankful that we have it as a fallback option for when things begin to get out of hand for us.
Chris’ story is an awesome reminder to us of a few things. The first is that domestic discipline isn’t an easy choice for a lot of couples. It’s rare when a couple sits down together and says, “hey, have you heard of domestic discipline? Well, here’s what it is. Let’s give it a shot.” and the other partner excitedly says, “okay!” and off they go. Domestic discipline is something that is a struggle for a lot of couples to get on the same page with, and Chris’ story is just one of many that illustrate that.
Another thing that Chris’ story helps us to remember is that domestic discipline is something that should be thoroughly researched before a decision is made. In Chris’ circumstance, he immediately thought of the legal ramifications of the lifestyle. Is domestic discipline legal? Could this cost him his job? What would his co-workers think? His research into those things helped him to come to a more informed conclusion on whether or not this lifestyle was right for him and his relationship.
We’re grateful for Chris who shared his story with us, and who helped us to remember these important points.
If you’d like to share your story with us on how domestic discipline has worked for your relationship, whether good or bad, and what might set you apart from other domestic discipline couples (whether it’s your career, your dynamic, your rules, or something else) we’d love to hear from you. You can submit your story by writing to contact@learningdd.com with the subject line “Many Faces of Domestic Discipline Story Submission”. If we select your story, you’ll receive an LDD prize package, and compensation. Please note that due to the volume of entries we receive, we may not be able to contact everyone back, but we promise we will use as many entries as we are able.
Stay tuned for the return of the Submissive Saturday’s feature tomorrow!
-Clint & Chelsea
The post {The Many Faces of Domestic Discipline}: “I’m a Police Officer, and I Practice Domestic Discipline” appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline.