We’ve got a wonderful Saturday Story to share with you this week from a fellow member of the domestic discipline blogging community. Callie, from the blog About Us, has graciously taken the time to write a post about how domestic discipline began for her and her husband H, and how the various nuances of the lifestyle work in their marriage. We’re excited to be sharing her story with the LDD readers today.
For those who may be new to the website, every other Saturday we feature articles written by those living the domestic discipline lifestyle. It gives others a chance to share their stories, and illustrates how truly unique this lifestyle is to all of us that live it. We’d love to hear your story as well. You can read more about the Saturday Stories column here, or you can submit your stories/articles to guestpost@learningdd.com.
The following article was written entirely by Callie. We have not manipulated, edited, or added to her words in any way, shape, form, or fashion.
—————————————————————
Hi all, for those who don’t know me, I’m Callie and H is my wonderful husband. We’ve been married for 4 years, together for 6. We started our journey into Domestic Discipline almost a year ago.
Our journey into DD has been similar and different to many of the stories I have read. We all have the hesitation at the start but H took to being an HoH like a duck to water. H and I are both high school teachers. I, like many other wives, found sharing the idea of DD with H extremely difficult. We talk a lot about all sorts of things but this was a bit out of left field, or at least I thought it was. I gave him the info by leaving the iPad open on his pillow one night and falling asleep. He read, thought it was a wonderful idea and took note. After about a 20min discussion the next morning, we started. I didn’t need to explain to H why consistency was important and I hadn’t really read that much about DD other than a few blogs and forums. In the weeks after we started I did a lot of research as did H.
There are a number of things about DD that come naturally to H and I because of our work. Although these are mainly things that H does, I understand the reasons behind them and that helps when it comes to accepting rules and consequences.
Tone of Voice:
H is really good with his tone of voice. I have absolutely no doubt when I’m in trouble. I know the tone. For those who look from the outside you would know the tone, we all heard it while we were at school. It’s not a yell or a raising of the voice, it’s not rude or mean, it’s direct and to the point, and leaves no room for any misunderstanding. Funnily enough, I find this tone rather comforting. I know the meaning behind it, I know H is not being disrespectful and I don’t ever feel like I’m being treated like a child. I know I’m not a teenager, but I can’t possibly ask H to find another way to use his voice. I’m a teacher too, so I know how impossible it can be to not ‘be a teacher’. It’s like asking a homosexual person to pretend they’re straight.
The Look:
We all know this one. All HoHs have them. H had perfected his before we even started DD. There are a number of different ones and they all have a different meaning. H has one for each of these:
‘You seriously didn’t just do that did you?’
‘If this was a cartoon, I’d have steam coming out of my ears’
‘You’re going to regret that’
‘I’d highly advise stopping what you’re doing’
Those looks make my bottom tingle. I know what’s probably coming and he hasn’t had to say anything.
Rules:
All of our rules fall somewhere under the four Ds. (Disrespect, Disobedience, Dishonest, Dangerous.) There are no rules that exist just for the sake of having rules. Our rules are in place to ensure that we are both happy and safe. The vast majority of them are in place to protect me from harm and stress. Anyone ever been into a school with no rules? No? Didn’t think so.
I don’t have issues following rules or coping with rule changes. That’s not to say I don’t break rules, I just know when I do break them that it is 100% my fault. I can’t blame someone else. It’s like a student who says they punched a kid because he said something. Yes, there was a contributing factor, but you still threw a punch.
We work in environments where boundaries are important. If you’re not consistent, boundaries aren’t known and student behaviour is uncontrollable. I am, sadly, no different. I need to know where I stand and where the boundaries are. Boundaries make me feel safe and rules create boundaries. Boundaries aren’t controllers; they are like protection shields or safety ropes.
Consequences:
When I break a rule H will almost always look at the ‘why’ before punishing. The punishment needs to fit the ‘crime’. Very often the behaviour is really masking something else that is going on.
Attention seeking behaviour, such as ‘bratting’, will get me a consequence that is the opposite of attention eg. Bedroom time. Direct disobedience will mean I have a privilege withdrawn. Dangerous behaviour is usually caused by distraction and not focusing on the task at hand, removal of the distraction. Forgetting to do things means lines so I remember. All of these may or may not include a spanking with the obvious exception of dangerous behaviour, which always has a spanking consequence. I know what the consequences for behaviours will be, not just because we’ve discussed these things a lot, but also because I know the thought process that goes into deciding. It’s hard to argue a consequence when logic tells me that it makes sense.
Rewards:
One thing H is pretty awesome at is rewards. I’m sure his students would agree too. How many maths/science teachers did you ever have that said 80% or more on a test and you get a can of coke, 90% and you get a coke and a hotdog? As much as we would like to think that intrinsic motivation is good, sometimes a bit of extrinsic motivation helps just a little bit. I don’t expect rewards from H, he gives them because he wants to and they help keep me in the right frame of mind. They can be spending an hour with me rather than playing on his computer, going shopping with me for new clothes, a pair of boots I really want or a date night.
Anyone who is a teacher will know that when things don’t go according to plan we look as to what caused it. We try and prevent that situation from happening again, we change as many of the contributing factors as possible. This comes so naturally to H that I had to think really hard when writing this post.
It is wholly my responsibility to change my behaviours but it is nice to have H there to help me. It’s nice to be able to see things in the same way. I don’t ever feel like a child, he doesn’t ever feel like he’s a ‘teacher’ to me. H is himself, he does things in his way, I understand why he does what he does and it works for us.
Callie
—————————————————————
We like the teacher/classroom analogy that Callie used throughout her post. In some ways HoHs do a lot of “teaching” to help their partners see things from a different perspective, or to help them overcome dangerous habits, or other things of that nature. We feel it’s fair to say that we’re all constantly learning and working towards our own personal goals for both ourselves and our relationships. Sometimes we all need a little “schooling” to achieve those things. And, as Callie points out, sometimes all it takes is “the look.” From the sound of it, her husband H is pretty skilled in that area! 
Great post, Callie. You covered a lot of important components to a healthy domestic discipline relationship, and it sounds like you and H have a solid domestic discipline foundation in your marriage, which is wonderful. We’d love to feature more articles from you in the future if you’d ever like to contribute to the Saturday Stories column again.
Once again, you can follow along on Callie and H’s journey over on her blog, About Us. We encourage you to do so.
If you’d like to submit a Saturday Stories article to be featured on the LDD blog, you can read more about doing so here, or you can submit your article to guestpost@learningdd.com. We look forward to featuring your story!
The post Saturday Stories: “You Can’t Turn A Teacher Off” appeared first on Learning Domestic Discipline Blog.